Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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