He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Sorry my hands just texted you
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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