having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
