i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
