I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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