apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
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