Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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