This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
