They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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