was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
