then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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