He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
