i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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