morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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