Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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