Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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