i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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