i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
