okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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