Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
no more duck duck goose at the bar
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
