I'm passing your future prison.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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