I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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