Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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