he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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