life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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