On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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