i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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