i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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