Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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