I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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