She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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