Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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