JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Of course I have a pirate flag
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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