You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
