Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
