He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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