No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
