she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
