I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
