Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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