I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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