Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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