he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize