I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
