Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
she smelled like a LAN party
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
The Olympian is in my bed
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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