he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
