he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
