it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize