I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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