Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
