I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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