Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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