Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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