I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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