I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
