There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Let's get the cat blown out
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
