New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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