just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
