My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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